This has been my first experience working for supervisors in the workplace who engage in toxic, destructive behavior patterns whenever their fragile egos perceive the threat of an employee who dares to communicate assertively and set boundaries. I am, unfortunately, already all too familiar with how these behavior patterns can show up in other power differentials such as between spouses, parent/child, and landlord/tenant contexts. When I recognized the familiar pattern beginning to show itself, I still struggled with whether or not to resign. I knew three months prior that it was unlikely that I would experience a positive outcome, but I wanted to try. I wanted to give it the benefit of the doubt. So, I did. I tried to fight injustice. I used the union resources available to me. I continued to do my best work. But then it happened again. And again. More people joined in on the narrative, and it began to suck in people close to me whom I had trusted. This betrayal and continual barrage of destructive incidents left me completely exhausted. I knew it was time, but nothing made sense. I’m a single parent. I have bills. I love teaching. I love my students. I love my coworkers. I don’t like to quit. I’m almost done finishing up a new certification. Why would I just walk away with only one third of the school year left?
As I woke up, I had a vision of me trying to sink rapid succession free throws while the superintendent of my district (who ironically, coaches the sport in real life) chucked basketballs at my head instead of passing them.. Every time I missed, he yelled at me and threw another ball, which of course hit me in the head and caused me to miss again.
Anyone who has ever played basketball knows that it takes concentration, skill, athleticism, confidence, a regulated nervous system, and time to improve your free throw success rate. It all starts because you were fouled. Someone violated the rules of the game, and they may have even injured you in the process. Cue dysregulation, which builds even more because now every eye in the room is on you as you step up to the line. Each athlete has their own way of regulating themselves from the pressure. They use the same rhythm every time to calm their nerves. Maybe it’s a more traditional three dribbles, deep breath, bend the knees, and launch. Maybe it has a bit more swagger…a kiss on the fingers and two taps on the chest, turning away to celebrate before it even goes in. Or, maybe it’s the kind with six smart, forceful bounces with two pauses followed by eight more deliberate dribbles that has everyone thinking, “okay, you’ve had enough time; throw the ball already!!” Regardless of their routine, they rarely skip the chance to pause and calm their nerves before risking the shot.
While they might occasionally practice free throws or any shot in rapid succession, absolutely no athlete would include getting hit in the head with a ball as part of their free throw routine. It breaks concentration. It increases dysregulation. It breaks the rules, and it’s just plain mean. It lowers confidence, and regardless of your skill level, it’s very unlikely that you’re going to make any shots when the hits just keep coming.
This is how it feels anytime we criticize instead of coach, intimidate instead of instruct, and leave others pressured when they should be practicing. No one learns well, and no one performs well under circumstances like this.
We shouldn’t become stuck behaving like this in any relationship. Not with employees, students, peers, partners, or in parenting.
Right now, I don’t know what will happen next for me. But one thing I do know, is that my family and I matter enough for me to walk off of that court and never look back.